Sunday - Sept. 30 '45
I have just been remembering that it was just about a year ago that we had one of our many "partings" - You of course, know the well-known phrase, "Each parting is a little
You may not actually leave England for some time - if you don't then come here for a really good send off, a Farewell Binge or party, where everyone gets tight! Don't worry about anti-climaxes. The sight of you would make the clock of my life start ticking again, if only for a few days.
"Good-bye, good-bye, my darling - But I can't forget your loving arms. Nor those memories, that will never die."
You have just gone upstairs to "Gerry's little bed" - and in a moment, I shall trot up on my little bare feet because I want so much to "tuck you in" one more time . . . Then down I shall come to cry myself sick.
I was so glad we had this chance to talk about the "babies" - the cottage - and all that - because the idea thrills me! It is a Really CONSTRUCTIVE idea, and one of utmost importance to us both. It is so true that you and I are both people who need emotional security much more than financial security. If we could have a home, where your Mummy could bring up your babies while you work and roamed. It would give me an ideal to live up to, and I would have the infinite satisfaction of knowing I was doing something completely worth doing, which I am fitted to do - I would know myself needed, by the children, and by you!
For you, our little home would provide the solid basis of affection, concerted effort, mutual ties, memories, and ideals that would take away your inner loneliness. You need this feeling of belonging to someone. Our happiness would be bound up in yours. In time, we could bring our little family up to four, I hope, and out of four there should come at least one child who would be the reward for the experiment. Don't think I am not taking into consideration how hard I would have to work. We would be too poor, at first, to afford a nurse. A baby is a full time job, but I would be happy. The hard work would be spaced with visits from you, when you'd come down bringing your friends to eat Mummy's cooking. Or sometimes you'd just like to be with your little family and be quiet and work. Don't wait to have our children, darling - it is right to do it now, before your body becomes spoilt by excesses. You have a fine inheritance to pass on to them now, and NO time should be wasted.
I have written about this, rather than how my heart is bleeding slowly away, because I want us both to have something to look forward to, to help ease the terrible pain of parting. I still feel I dreamed this whole evening - it can't be true that I'm losing my own boy, my own and only baby. Six months will seem six eons; and it might be a year - who knows. I shall have no one - to talk to - to commune with. My loneliness will be the loneliness of a desert.
I can make no attempt to say the thousands of things that fill my mind. Take good care of yourself, darling one - You know the depth, the loyalty, the sweetness of my love for you - So - love me always - DON'T EVER LOSE ME -
Your own Mummy
First, I sent a wire which, in case you don't get it, ran thus: "Am certain you are making wrong decision. Oxford and the Sorbonne better than wasting 4 precious months."
Since you left I've thought a lot. There is little to balance your delight in getting out of uniform, I do think it must be wrong to turn down a wonderful experience like Oxford, and a time in Paris in favor of doing something you have already done so many times.
You've bummed round the States Summer after summer and you know the place like a book. It was a splendid thing for a young boy to do and I know you learned a lot and had a lot of irresponsible fun. But I do feel, darling, that you are now past the age for a continuation of such a drifting irresponsible life. Your life in the army was nothing but drifting, rootless, planless. Now, just when your long- awaited education is really getting under weigh, you want to break it off, and waste 4 months drifting, rootless again! It just seems silly. You're going on 25, and the time has come - and long come - when you should be building up, creating, planning. Just bumming round the country seeing the same things over again, is the purest waste of time under the present circumstances. And you don't have that time to waste.
On the other hand, if you go back in the spring, you'd be able to have your summer holiday floating round, and start college either in the autumn; or go back in Jan., and start in Feb. (and miss Paris)
In your letter you say you plan to come back, and spend a month in France. Well, I am pretty certain civilians will not be allowed to come to Europe for a good 6 months or a year. The reason is not transportation, but the food problem. And that won't be any better for at least a year. You won't be able to come back.